Fem Black Gay Men & Dating

[Decay42]

As a black gay man who is overtly feminine both in appearance and my demeanor, I understand that dating & relationships can be very difficult to have since most gay men are attracted to masculine men and I understand and find that valid because preferences are preferences and you like what you like.

But lately I can't help but feel that if you're both feminine and black as a gay man, it can count doubly negative in terms of desirability since in most cases, black gay men are only seen as desirable if they fit the stereotypical dom masculine type which I am not at all. And this isn't to say that I haven't attracted absolutely zero guys in the past but it's just that they're usually not my type at all. I am attracted to more muscular guys and the guys who did tend to try getting at me were usually out of shape older men. I'm in my early 30s but that has been a thing since I was in my 20s. And even when I started getting into the gym myself not to become muscular but just to get more active and develop my legs and butt, I thought it might help attract the kind of guys that I'm into but all it has done is made more of these same type of guys I've already attracted try getting at me.

II have a sneaking suspicion that non-black feminine guys don't have to deal with this nearly as much since unlike black, other races aren't hyper-stereotyped to be seen a certain way. I just wanted to hear experiences from other black gay men who are feminine on what you're experience has been like. Has dating been difficult for you?

And to get it out there, no I don't live in a small town, I live in a decent sized metropolitan area.

 

[QueenLeo40]

As a black gay man who is overtly feminine both in appearance and my demeanor, I understand that dating & relationships can be very difficult to have since most gay men are attracted to masculine men and I understand and find that valid because preferences are preferences and you like what you like.

But lately I can't help but feel that if you're both feminine and black as a gay man, it can count doubly negative in terms of desirability since in most cases, black gay men are only seen as desirable if they fit the stereotypical dom masculine type which I am not at all. And this isn't to say that I haven't attracted absolutely zero guys in the past but it's just that they're usually not my type at all. I am attracted to more muscular guys and the guys who did tend to try getting at me were usually out of shape older men. I'm in my early 30s but that has been a thing since I was in my 20s. And even when I started getting into the gym myself not to become muscular but just to get more active and develop my legs and butt, I thought it might help attract the kind of guys that I'm into but all it has done is made more of these same type of guys I've already attracted try getting at me.

II have a sneaking suspicion that non-black feminine guys don't have to deal with this nearly as much since unlike black, other races aren't hyper-stereotyped to be seen a certain way. I just wanted to hear experiences from other black gay men who are feminine on what you're experience has been like. Has dating been difficult for you?

And to get it out there, no I don't live in a small town, I live in a decent sized metropolitan area.

First of all, Hey boo! Second, I can sort of relate to what you're talking about. I'm fem myself. In my experience. I've gotten men who were deeply in the closet or men who only saw me as a barbie doll. (I.E. Wanting me to wear wigs and just be a "fantasy" Nothing against my trans sistas, but I am not trans. If I haven't gotten men like that. I've gotten men that don't kiss, suck dick, eat ass but they'll want to bang you until you can't sit down. I don't blame them entirely. Because these "just a hole gurls" are a mess.

Once I started saying not just no but "Fuck no, hell no and fuck off." I got men that I liked.

Was it easy? Nope! Does my bed get cold? Sometimes. However, I have a voice too. Often, we see the feminine as less than. What many don't understand is, the feminine and masculine work together. And, what we often desire is hyper femininity or masculinity.

My advice to you is, say what you want and stick to what you don't. It may seem harsh at first but it's worth it.

Hope this helps.
QL

 

[Rovitz]

Are you fit feminine and friendly. do you smile. Are you highly social… old flabby men should think they are out if your league so what is it that they are seeing.

Are you argumentitive loudmouthed or overly opinionated. Masculines hates that. Like its exceptionally easy to keep dom tops.

 

[QueenLeo40]

Are you fit feminine and friendly. do you smile. Are you highly social… old flabby men should think they are out if your league so what is it that they are seeing.

Are you argumentitive loudmouthed or overly opinionated. Masculines hates that. Like its exceptionally easy to keep dom tops.

I get where you're trying to go. However, it sounds like you're painting with a broad brush. If that's not your intention. I apologize. Not all fem guys are loud and wrong. Nor or all of us are submissive or pushovers.

Just like not all dom's are assholes. Some dom's are passionate and gentle. It's like I tell guys. "I, sir am a lady in the streets and a lady of the evening in the sheets."

 

[HOU_HEADHUNTER]

As a black gay man who is overtly feminine both in appearance and my demeanor, I understand that dating & relationships can be very difficult to have since most gay men are attracted to masculine men and I understand and find that valid because preferences are preferences and you like what you like.

But lately I can't help but feel that if you're both feminine and black as a gay man, it can count doubly negative in terms of desirability since in most cases, black gay men are only seen as desirable if they fit the stereotypical dom masculine type which I am not at all. And this isn't to say that I haven't attracted absolutely zero guys in the past but it's just that they're usually not my type at all. I am attracted to more muscular guys and the guys who did tend to try getting at me were usually out of shape older men. I'm in my early 30s but that has been a thing since I was in my 20s. And even when I started getting into the gym myself not to become muscular but just to get more active and develop my legs and butt, I thought it might help attract the kind of guys that I'm into but all it has done is made more of these same type of guys I've already attracted try getting at me.

II have a sneaking suspicion that non-black feminine guys don't have to deal with this nearly as much since unlike black, other races aren't hyper-stereotyped to be seen a certain way. I just wanted to hear experiences from other black gay men who are feminine on what you're experience has been like. Has dating been difficult for you?

And to get it out there, no I don't live in a small town, I live in a decent sized metropolitan area.

I'm glad you are opening this discussion because I speak a lot on black men (straight and gay) who are fetishized due to mainstream porn stereotypes and tropes. Hypermasculinity is very high on that list and within the black gay community, masculinity is high on the list for desirability but it fits into the real of masculinity that mainstream porn has created for black men being thugs. Mind you mainstream porn is created by non black people for non black people but we are fed the same myths and propaganda that everyone else is by default. I'm a gay black man but I'm masculine presenting. I do feel like I understand where you are coming from however. I see what kind of porn is popular with black men and it feeds into those stereotypes also. I can't wait to see the discourse on this thread. It's a much needed discussion that needs to be had.

 

[QueenLeo40]

I'm glad you are opening this discussion because I speak a lot on black men (straight and gay) who are fetishized due to mainstream porn stereotypes and tropes. Hypermasculinity is very high on that list and within the black gay community, masculinity is high on the list for desirability but it fits into the real of masculinity that mainstream porn has created for black men being thugs. Mind you mainstream porn is created by non black people for non black people but we are fed the same myths and propaganda that everyone else is by default. I'm a gay black man but I'm masculine presenting. I do feel like I understand where you are coming from however. I see what kind of porn is popular with black men and it feeds into those stereotypes also. I can't wait to see the discourse on this thread. It's a much needed discussion that needs to be had.

It very much is a much needed conversation. Because what many of us don't understand. (I was this way at one point as well.) Is that one size doesn't fit all. There are many types of femininity. Just as there are many types of masculinity. It's like I tell men. Yes, I am fem. but, I'm still a man. I'm just not a hyper masculine man.

 

[Decay42]

First of all, Hey boo! Second, I can sort of relate to what you're talking about. I'm fem myself. In my experience. I've gotten men who were deeply in the closet or men who only saw me as a barbie doll. (I.E. Wanting me to wear wigs and just be a "fantasy" Nothing against my trans sistas, but I am not trans. If I haven't gotten men like that. I've gotten men that don't kiss, suck dick, eat ass but they'll want to bang you until you can't sit down. I don't blame them entirely. Because these "just a hole gurls" are a mess.

Once I started saying not just no but "Fuck no, hell no and fuck off." I got men that I liked.

Was it easy? Nope! Does my bed get cold? Sometimes. However, I have a voice too. Often, we see the feminine as less than. What many don't understand is, the feminine and masculine work together. And, what we often desire is hyper femininity or masculinity.

My advice to you is, say what you want and stick to what you don't. It may seem harsh at first but it's worth it.

Hope this helps.
QL

Yeah I'm pretty feminine presenting, I do crossdress but not in that way, it's not a kink or a fetish for me and my usual outfits in my day to day life are not sexualized but something with more personal style and thought put into it that speak to what I'm drawn to. In my case mixing dark and bohemian together. Point is, it's not a fetish thing for me but some of these older men think it is and ask me sexually charged questions right out the gate even though I have made no impression that it's a kink, fetish, or kink for me.

I also am not afraid to stand up for myself. This isn't to say I'm mean or anything but if a guy tries to overtly sexualize me, I'm not afraid to tell him to stop. I also don't send out nudes to guys neither and I've been called an asshole for that but I know that's just a manipulative anger response for not getting what they want.

I'm into my 30s now and I went through all that trial in my 20s trying to be patient with guys but still remaining firm (not sending out nudes) but I still was mostly attracting men much older than me and I had tried meeting up with them but it never felt right because aside from not being attracted (again, they weren't physically fit men), you could also feel the generational gap.and that's how I eventually realized that I want to be with someone closer to my age. So I pretty much have been doing what you advised via saying what I'm looking for and sticking to it.

Are you fit feminine and friendly. do you smile. Are you highly social… old flabby men should think they are out if your league so what is it that they are seeing.

Are you argumentitive loudmouthed or overly opinionated. Masculines hates that. Like its exceptionally easy to keep dom tops.

I workout 2x a week (used to be 3 but I've been working out for a long time now and hit my goal and just maintain), eat relatively well, and I am friendly but as mentioned above, I am also firm and don't allow people to push me over. I'm not highly social, I'm pretty introverted so there's that.

And as far as being "argumentative", typically no but like I said, I do not tolerate guys trying to treat me shit via be openly disrespectful to me or needlessly sexualize me and demand things from me like nudes or expecting me to answer sexually charged questions when i don't know the person.

 

[Decay42]

I'm glad you are opening this discussion because I speak a lot on black men (straight and gay) who are fetishized due to mainstream porn stereotypes and tropes. Hypermasculinity is very high on that list and within the black gay community, masculinity is high on the list for desirability but it fits into the real of masculinity that mainstream porn has created for black men being thugs. Mind you mainstream porn is created by non black people for non black people but we are fed the same myths and propaganda that everyone else is by default. I'm a gay black man but I'm masculine presenting. I do feel like I understand where you are coming from however. I see what kind of porn is popular with black men and it feeds into those stereotypes also. I can't wait to see the discourse on this thread. It's a much needed discussion that needs to be had.

No problem, I've been trying to find a topic like this for years tbh but never really saw much so I figured I may as well just try to open a conversation about it myself and see what happens. And I understand that masculinity will always be a typical preference for gay men in general but I just can't help but feel like this expectation is placed doubly on black men because of porn and that any black man who doesn't live up to that rigid stereotype or is not a top, that is going to be a huge struggle and it can even make one wonder if there are guys out there who are into black men who don't conform to that rigid stereotype. I mean clearly there are some but as I've mentioned in the OP, a lot of these guys have been men far older than me and not in particularly good shape. The latter wouldn't be so much of an issue if I didn't take care of myself in that department and would prefer that in a partner but I digress.

 

[HOU_HEADHUNTER]

No problem, I've been trying to find a topic like this for years tbh but never really saw much so I figured I may as well just try to open a conversation about it myself and see what happens. And I understand that masculinity will always be a typical preference for gay men in general but I just can't help but feel like this expectation is placed doubly on black men because of porn and that any black man who doesn't live up to that rigid stereotype or is not a top, that is going to be a huge struggle and it can even make one wonder if there are guys out there who are into black men who don't conform to that rigid stereotype. I mean clearly there are some but as I've mentioned in the OP, a lot of these guys have been men far older than me and not in particularly good shape. The latter wouldn't be so much of an issue if I didn't take care of myself in that department and would prefer that in a partner but I digress.

Reddit seems to be a good place to look for various topics. I'm sure there are some there that touch on this topic. I've found a lot of great sub reddits on the topic of black male fetishization and I often take points that strike me as interesting from there and add it to my own thread here as a way to get others to chime in. I'm at work now but I'll find some of those sub reddits and bring them here for us all to read and discuss.

 

[QueenLeo40]

Yeah I'm pretty feminine presenting, I do crossdress but not in that way, it's not a kink or a fetish for me and my usual outfits in my day to day life are not sexualized but something with more personal style and thought put into it that speak to what I'm drawn to. In my case mixing dark and bohemian together. Point is, it's not a fetish thing for me but some of these older men think it is and ask me sexually charged questions right out the gate even though I have made no impression that it's a kink, fetish, or kink for me.

I also am not afraid to stand up for myself. This isn't to say I'm mean or anything but if a guy tries to overtly sexualize me, I'm not afraid to tell him to stop. I also don't send out nudes to guys neither and I've been called an asshole for that but I know that's just a manipulative anger response for not getting what they want.

I'm into my 30s now and I went through all that trial in my 20s trying to be patient with guys but still remaining firm (not sending out nudes) but I still was mostly attracting men much older than me and I had tried meeting up with them but it never felt right because aside from not being attracted (again, they weren't physically fit men), you could also feel the generational gap.and that's how I eventually realized that I want to be with someone closer to my age. So I pretty much have been doing what you advised via saying what I'm looking for and sticking to it.

I workout 2x a week (used to be 3 but I've been working out for a long time now and hit my goal and just maintain), eat relatively well, and I am friendly but as mentioned above, I am also firm and don't allow people to push me over. I'm not highly social, I'm pretty introverted so there's that.

And as far as being "argumentative", typically no but like I said, I do not tolerate guys trying to treat me shit via be openly disrespectful to me or needlessly sexualize me and demand things from me like nudes or expecting me to answer sexually charged questions when i don't know the person.

I get it. I'm the same way. I wear women's clothes too and most of the time guys think it's a kink but it is not. It's taken me a long time to get comfortable with me and tell men no. But, it's saved me a lot of headache. I understand where you're coming from. Believe me.

 

[pussithroat45]

As a black gay man who is overtly feminine both in appearance and my demeanor, I understand that dating & relationships can be very difficult to have since most gay men are attracted to masculine men and I understand and find that valid because preferences are preferences and you like what you like.

You mentioned that you are into masculine and muscular men, are there any other attributes you go for? Like do you like tall guys? Is race a factor? Are you only attracted to black men?

Also...how would you describe your body? Are you muscular or thin or somewhere in-between? Are you tall? I ask because often times men who are larger and muscular (regardless of race) are generally seen as more dominant and masculine.

 

[pussithroat45]

I would describe myself as feminine, gay and black and while I mostly attract men who identify as straight or bi (usually hardcore tops) that comes with it's own set of issues.

Physical description - I am about 5'7 and thin. I am very groomed always clean shaven, clean nails, clear skin, etc. I look more like my mother and am often times mistaken for a woman. I recently grew out my hair (it's about shoulder length and curly, pic below) and while I had no problem attracting men, growing my hair longer has taken things to a new level in regard to attracting men of all races, again usually masculine tops. And probably 60% have wives or girlfriends.

As mentioned this does not come without it's own set of difficulties. Having sex is never an issue. But I do have problems with being taken seriously and not seen as basically just a cum dumpster. Guys that I am with usually want me to remain a secret, so we almost never go out in the daytime and I never meet their friends and family.

Also there are certain parts of my sexuality that I have to hide. The type of men I attract do not like someone who hooks up alot. So although I have interacted sexually in varying degrees with close to a hundred men over the course of my life, I usually lie to these guys and give the more "respectful" numbers of 8-10.

Idk, I guess this is a case of the grass always seems greener on the other side?

 

[QueenLeo40]

I would describe myself as feminine, gay and black and while I mostly attract men who identify as straight or bi (usually hardcore tops) that comes with it's own set of issues.

Physical description - I am about 5'7 and thin. I am very groomed always clean shaven, clean nails, clear skin, etc. I look more like my mother and am often times mistaken for a woman. I recently grew out my hair (it's about shoulder length and curly, pic below) and while I had no problem attracting men, growing my hair longer has taken things to a new level in regard to attracting men of all races, again usually masculine tops. And probably 60% have wives or girlfriends.

View attachment 129938791

As mentioned this does not come without it's own set of difficulties. Having sex is never an issue. But I do have problems with being taken seriously and not seen as basically just a cum dumpster. Guys that I am with usually want me to remain a secret, so we almost never go out in the daytime and I never meet their friends and family.

Also there are certain parts of my sexuality that I have to hide. The type of men I attract do not like someone who hooks up alot. So although I have interacted sexually in varying degrees with close to a hundred men over the course of my life, I usually lie to these guys and give the more "respectful" numbers of 8-10.

Idk, I guess this is a case of the grass always seems greener on the other side?

I can relate to this. The secret part. Which is very frustrating. I tend to attract bi men or gay men who only want me or see me as you said. Just a sex object. However, I find that when tell men that I'm more than a secret. That leaves them with a choice. Either we're gonna talk or you're gonna take a walk.

 

[Decay42]

I get it. I'm the same way. I wear women's clothes too and most of the time guys think it's a kink but it is not. It's taken me a long time to get comfortable with me and tell men no. But, it's saved me a lot of headache. I understand where you're coming from. Believe me.

Oh for sure, I'm more than comfortable with myself and how I look and I have no problem telling men "no". It's just more of trying to continue navigating the gay dating with high spirits as a feminine presenting gay black man. I knew it was gonna be hard and some days it can be tough.

 

[Decay42]

I would describe myself as feminine, gay and black and while I mostly attract men who identify as straight or bi (usually hardcore tops) that comes with it's own set of issues.

Physical description - I am about 5'7 and thin. I am very groomed always clean shaven, clean nails, clear skin, etc. I look more like my mother and am often times mistaken for a woman. I recently grew out my hair (it's about shoulder length and curly, pic below) and while I had no problem attracting men, growing my hair longer has taken things to a new level in regard to attracting men of all races, again usually masculine tops. And probably 60% have wives or girlfriends.

View attachment 129938791

As mentioned this does not come without it's own set of difficulties. Having sex is never an issue. But I do have problems with being taken seriously and not seen as basically just a cum dumpster. Guys that I am with usually want me to remain a secret, so we almost never go out in the daytime and I never meet their friends and family.

Also there are certain parts of my sexuality that I have to hide. The type of men I attract do not like someone who hooks up alot. So although I have interacted sexually in varying degrees with close to a hundred men over the course of my life, I usually lie to these guys and give the more "respectful" numbers of 8-10.

Idk, I guess this is a case of the grass always seems greener on the other side?

Nah your experience is the same as mine. Attracting guys who are heavy closet-cases, make no mistake that any man who is trying to hook up with you is not "straight" and that's part of the problem that I think feminine gay men need to stop indulging in. Stop validating these guys' delusions because they aren't straight. No straight man goes for other men even if the man is feminine because feminine men are still men, we have dick and balls, we are adult human males and putting on makeup, dresses, and/or makeup is gonna change that. Part of the reason why a lot of these guys try very hard to see us as sex objects is because they're too cowardly to accept themselves for who they truly are and they usually wait until they're in their 60s-70s and then start chasing after young feminine guys in their 20s who will more than likely not be interested because of the age gap and the whole cycle just repeats itself and part of the way to invoke change is to be the change by not indulging this BS anymore.

I can relate to this. The secret part. Which is very frustrating. I tend to attract bi men or gay men who only want me or see me as you said. Just a sex object. However, I find that when tell men that I'm more than a secret. That leaves them with a choice. Either we're gonna talk or you're gonna take a walk.

Exactly, this is why it's important to speak up against men like this. If you don't want to be treated like a sex object, don't let them treat you like one. Make it known that you're a person with feelings. And if the guy ends up walking because you dare made it known that you're a human, he was not a good match for you anyway.

 

[Decay42]

You mentioned that you are into masculine and muscular men, are there any other attributes you go for? Like do you like tall guys? Is race a factor? Are you only attracted to black men?

Also...how would you describe your body? Are you muscular or thin or somewhere in-between? Are you tall? I ask because often times men who are larger and muscular (regardless of race) are generally seen as more dominant and masculine.

Oh and sorry, I totally forgot to response to your first comment lol. To answer your question, aside from muscular men, I also like guys who are more on the geekier side (into video games, superheroes, etc) and nerdy gym guys are like my ultimate crush. While I prefer men taller than me, I'm fine with guys who are shorter and race-wise, I'm open to all races.

As for my own body, I'm slim-thick. I'm 5'10 at 145 lbs but I mostly have done leg and glute workouts for the last 6 years so far so my upper body is slim while my lower body is a tad thicker built, nothing crazy but it's the thing that people tend to notice and point out.

 

[kbj23]

great submissions guys...
i understand where all these stem from...the frustration of not attracting the kind of people we want...and especially based on the idea of your personality..ie. being fem

But like you pointed out, @Decay42 and @QueenLeo40, people like what they like. And people always want to go for what society 'approves' of. Society has been made to believe that, a man...(well, black men majorly) should be strong, fit, musculine and behave in a certain way...macho!. So when you dont fall into this category, then bye bye to you.
You mentioned you prefer fit men because you work out and your partner should too...well..thats a preference too.
Have you considered perhaps being with another fem guy...who is top?
Will you be attracted to that?

It all goes to say that, preferences, attractions, desires are subjective to the person. And while we may not fancy that and perhaps frown on how stereotypical that might be, it is what it is.
As to where other races ecperience same, i bet they do. Seen and had chats with other men (fem) who feel lonely and depressed because they seem not to attract what they want...and when they do get what they want, those people only "use" them and never want to get serious.

Whats the solution? well...love you. Keep hoping...keep working on the you you desire not what you think other men want. And surely, the universe will smile on you.

Xoxo

 

[bigboaster]

great submissions guys...
i understand where all these stem from...the frustration of not attracting the kind of people we want...and especially based on the idea of your personality..ie. being fem

But like you pointed out, @Decay42 and @QueenLeo40, people like what they like. And people always want to go for what society 'approves' of. Society has been made to believe that, a man...(well, black men majorly) should be strong, fit, musculine and behave in a certain way...macho!. So when you dont fall into this category, then bye bye to you.
You mentioned you prefer fit men because you work out and your partner should too...well..thats a preference too.
Have you considered perhaps being with another fem guy...who is top?
Will you be attracted to that?

It all goes to say that, preferences, attractions, desires are subjective to the person. And while we may not fancy that and perhaps frown on how stereotypical that might be, it is what it is.
As to where other races ecperience same, i bet they do. Seen and had chats with other men (fem) who feel lonely and depressed because they seem not to attract what they want...and when they do get what they want, those people only "use" them and never want to get serious.

Whats the solution? well...love you. Keep hoping...keep working on the you you desire not what you think other men want. And surely, the universe will smile on you.

Xoxo

A surprisingly nuanced, well reasoned, empathetic post promoting a positive outlook. That's exceedingly rare around these parts. Cheers sir. Much appreciated and I basically agree with the points you made.

 

[QueenLeo40]

great submissions guys...
i understand where all these stem from...the frustration of not attracting the kind of people we want...and especially based on the idea of your personality..ie. being fem

But like you pointed out, @Decay42 and @QueenLeo40, people like what they like. And people always want to go for what society 'approves' of. Society has been made to believe that, a man...(well, black men majorly) should be strong, fit, musculine and behave in a certain way...macho!. So when you dont fall into this category, then bye bye to you.
You mentioned you prefer fit men because you work out and your partner should too...well..thats a preference too.
Have you considered perhaps being with another fem guy...who is top?
Will you be attracted to that?

It all goes to say that, preferences, attractions, desires are subjective to the person. And while we may not fancy that and perhaps frown on how stereotypical that might be, it is what it is.
As to where other races ecperience same, i bet they do. Seen and had chats with other men (fem) who feel lonely and depressed because they seem not to attract what they want...and when they do get what they want, those people only "use" them and never want to get serious.

Whats the solution? well...love you. Keep hoping...keep working on the you you desire not what you think other men want. And surely, the universe will smile on you.

Xoxo

I love what you said. Thank you.

 

[Rovitz]

I get where you're trying to go. However, it sounds like you're painting with a broad brush. If that's not your intention. I apologize. Not all fem guys are loud and wrong. Nor or all of us are submissive or pushovers.

Just like not all dom's are assholes. Some dom's are passionate and gentle. It's like I tell guys. "I, sir am a lady in the streets and a lady of the evening in the sheets."

I never said any of that. Im not sure where you imagined that. I didnt paint with any broad brush. I simply told you how to be if you want a dom man to lose his mind over you. If you disagree and you dont have a dom man then Im not sure what else to say?